I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
