it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
