Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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