Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
