I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
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