On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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