Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
