WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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