Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
