franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
