You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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