You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
two words: eviction party
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
