decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
