i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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