no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you would pick up someone in the library
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
two words: eviction party
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
