glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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