I want to have your abortion
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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