oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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