the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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