New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize