Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
