you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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