Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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