Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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