Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Don't EVER smell your tampon
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
