Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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