i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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