Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
