Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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