Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
