pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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