Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
