It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
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