She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
