My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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