Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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