Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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