We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
