I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
the liver wants what the liver wants
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
