I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
do herpes really smell.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
