Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
