I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
