I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
