I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
