whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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