apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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