I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
