At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
