Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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