my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
