I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
