Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
