I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
