and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
