You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
