i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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