i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
