Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Be still, my beating vagina.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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