Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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