Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
