My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
