My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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