it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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