my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize